iPhone Apps We Really Need

The iPhone is taking the world by storm. You are not even close to cool unless you got an iPhone. Word on the street is that Osama Bin Laden has one along with Michael Jackson’s sterling silver casket. With peer pressure mounting and my intense hatred for my Nokia, I have looked into the iPhone. For the price of one I could buy a lot of Pabst Blue Ribbon, which is a conversation beer. Read this as I get a little buzzed and talk to girls and mention my no-hitter in little league.

With the iPhone it’s not that you can call people and text them, but find restaurants, baseball scores and highlights but also do a whole bunch of other shit, you never thought was imaginable on a cellular phone. The folks at Apple allow others to concoct half baked ideas for applications that for some reason Apple actually create! Paying two hundred bucks for a phone is a pretty steep price to me (I’m cheap, I’m a Pohorence!)

Though with anyone and everything getting an app, why don’t I think of some? I have actually and I think you might like them.

The Ultimate Question App: Throughout life, we sometimes question why things happen or whether or not happenings occur because of fate or luck. Heck, we sometimes question our existence. This app will let you ask your iPhone the ultimate question, for which the answer will always be 42. (Not to be used on Math exams)

What if we mated App: Much like the old Conan bit, this will come in handy for dates. For a guy like me, who tends to be in long term relationships, this will answer the question, “Will our kids look good?” Granted my genes are beautiful genes but this will allow me to see if there are any u-g-l-y (you ain’t got no alibi, you’re UGLY!) genes to help keep the human race looking good. Granted this app will be not needed in Sweden where every woman is amazing looking. Coming soon: what will she look like in ten years APP!

Hand Dryer App: I carry my phone everywhere. I don’t carry hand towels with me. When using a bathroom that has no towels or have those horrible hand dryers, the iPhone will light up to about 450 degrees and will warm your hands. Just hover them around the screen for 2 seconds and then touch the bottom button. Note: The screen will cause third degree burns.

CB Radio App: Be able to live all your mid 1970’s communication desires or relive your favorite scenes from Smokey & the Bandit! Looks like we got a convoy!

Razor App: This is two fold. For the man on the go and wants to save money, why spend money of razor blades when you can shave with your iPhone. Also for you clinically depressed, don’t spend hours and hundreds of dollars with psychologist when you can kill yourself. Remember don’t use the arm, go across the jugular.

X-Ray vision App: Using the camera function of the phone, hit the x-ray button and use it to look into locks, wrapped presents and co-workers blouses.

Major League Baseball Rule App: Sometime during an intense discussion of what the right call should be in a baseball game, it would be beneficial to have the official league rules. Now you can and this app allows you to access every rule in the Major League Baseball rule book. Oh and you cannot grab the runner going to third, that’s interference asshole!

The Reassurance App: This app will allow all insecure women to be validated on many issues they have in their tough lives. “Am I fat?” “Do these Jeans make me look fat?” “Does John love me?” “Do I Look Fat in this dress?” “How does my hair look?” “Does this wallpaper make me look fat?” “While I ever find love?” and of course the most important question, “Is Love Actually on TV?” Warning: any man who uses this is a sissy.

The Thermometer App: When you think you have a fever running, you can check with the iPhone. To use, pull down your drawers and insert, since it makes your phone a rectal thermometer. Just like those visits from the doctor during the Great Depression.

All of those ideas are definitely owned by Seth Pohorence INC. and Seth Pohorence Industries. Don’t be jealous you didn’t think of that before hand. Now if you will excuse me I’m gonna go to the Camaro dealership and use my App millions to buy some IROC-Z’s.

Megan Fox: You have been warned!

So with the new Transformers movie out, every homoerotic guy who needs to prove that he finds women attract will go out and see this movie. Much like the first one, the plot will be weak and the explosions will cost around the GDP of a third world nation. All the while I won't care. I won't even see the movie.

I won't see the movie not because Michael Bay goes overboard with blowing shit up. I won't see this film because I thought the first one was not as great as I was told. I won't see it because the plot if just stupid, when in fact the original premise was sufficient. I don't plan on seeing Transformers 2 because that ugly hooker Megan Fox is in it. I just won't. She has no talent. I will repeat.

SHE

HAS

NO

TALENT!!!

She sucks at acting. If acting were a home run hitter, she would be Rafael Belliard. Her gawd-awful acting along with Shia or Shea or whatever Le Boof made me want to forget I actually enjoyed Transformers growing up.

Then to complement her bad acting, she says the dumbest stuff in the world. She called out Scarlett Johanson for using big words to make herself sound smart. Babe, let's look at Scarlett's resume. She's been in movies far superior to your crap. When you hit your thirties, no one will be looking to cast some has been broad that should be referred only to as a "bit of tail". That's all you are. Last time I checked Tara Reid wasn't in too many movies now.

Megan, shut your mouth and just pose for Play Boy and keep some moeny in the savings... you're gonna need it.

NBA Needs Big Men, Birdmen

Last Thursday night, watching Carmelo Anthony score 38 points against the Portland Trailblazers, I couldn't help think if Hakeem or Ewing had been in the middle, 'Melo wouldn't have gotten past the free throw line.

It reminds me of 1994. A 7-year old me, taking after-school naps on game days to prove to my parents I could stay up late. My dad let me sit in his chair (which was, and still is a big deal) with my 33 Knicks jersey on, holding a basketball.

In the first round, Dikembe Motombo's Nuggets upset the No. 1 seed Sonics, after being down 2-0 in the series. In the Easten Conference, the Knicks won games six and seven against the Pacers to meet up with Houston in the finals.

It came down to Ewing vs. Olajuwon. At times, the series looked more like Rangers / Stars than Knicks / Rockets. Not once, in seven games, did a team reach 100 points. The big men took over, Hakeem scored 26.9 ponts per game and blocked a John Starks three-point attempt at the buzzer to seal game six.

Little Matthew was devastated, but the memories of the two superstar centers are still the best I have of the NBA.

Today, talented big men have gone out of style like Pearl Jam T-shirts. With them, fans too have headed to the exits. The 1993 NBA finals Neilson TV rating was 27.21, in 2007 the rating was 9.29.

How many times can you watch Kobe slice or LeBron freight train through the lane without screaming at the TV, "Can't anyone stop him!?!?"

One of the biggest complaints about the NBA is that nobody plays defense. That's because there isn't anyone to play defense. In the 1994-95 season, the league leader in blocks was 3.9 per game and in rebounds was 16.8 per game. Currently, those numbers are 2.8 and 14, both by Howard. After Howard, the next best is 2.3 and 11.9.

The current leaders in scoring are Wade, LeBron, Kobe and Kevin Durant. Notice anything? All are Jordan wannabes, products of the Isolation play (where four guys stand and watch them drive) and chronic three-point chuckers.

It makes the game about as exciting as minor league curling.

Maybe another reason for NBA apathy is the lack of bad boys. Where is Rodman? Lambeer? Mason? Seems like most guys spend more time slapping hands with the opposition than hacking elbows.

Though little me hated Rodman and the Bulls, reflective me remembers loving to hate him. Who in the NBA do you love to hate in 2009? Um...Howard is a nice guy. Kobe just complains a lot. Ron Artest? Well, you have to be relevant to be hated, so he's out.

The NBA needs more guys like the Nuggets Chris "Birdman" Anderson. Anderson has spiked blonde hair and tattoos of mythical birds colored across both lanky arms. After blocking a shot, the Birdman runs his hands through his hair and sticks out his tongue.

OK so he won't win a sportsmanship award, but it was fun. Trash talk is part of the game of basketball, that's why Shaq still entertains with his occasional "big man pecking order" or "choke artist" comments.

There seems to be no help in sight for the NBA. Hasheem Thabeet of the University of Connecticut may be the only up-and-coming big man, and even he lacks the offensive game of any great centers of the past. Shaq is on his way out, as is Duncan.

Grown up Matthew would love to spend the month of May clutching a basketball, waiting for the next big block or slam, but hopes aren't high considering the finals center matchup could be Pau Gasol vs. Kendrick Perkins....yick...maybe next year.

LeBron is all kinds of money: Manny still wants it

Before I post of LeBron still trying to be the savior of Ohio, I just want to congratulate the Flaming Lips for having their song, "Do You Realize??" be named the official rock song of Oklahoma. I remember hearing "She Don't Use Jelly" back in middle school. I wish I had that warming up while wearing my Kevin Garnett Nike's at Dick O'D gym.

LeBron is love-hate with me. Sometime I love him, he will lead a Cavs rally, like last night, and do things I am shocked by. I hate him when he does things he should never do. I usually consider him shooting long distance or trying to shoot any ball with a few seconds left as a liability.

Against the Heat he was amazing scoring 42 and my new love Mo Williams dropping 30 of his own. Better yet they had to rally to win. At times I want to think this team could go all the way. But then the Celtics play amazing the next night or Kobe shoots lights out. It's just not fair.

Hello Katie, it's me Alex

Story Link

Today on A-Rod, Alex is weighed down by his demons. Now that he has hit rock bottom he turns to the only person who can help... Katie Couric?

Yes, this is the never ending soap opera called the New York Yankees. If the YES Network were really intelligent (and they are not) they would cancel those stupid programs like Yankee Road Trip and just follow the endless story lines of their franchise's key players. Better yet you can make it like Running Man and just manipulate the truth and set everyone against each other. Or EDTV or whatever overlord of TV movie you like.

Now, Katie was doing this to set up the interview where he blatantly lied to us, saying he never took steroids. This is twice I've seen interviews where people lied to me. I could never forget President Clinton doing that, classic, NHL '95 classic.

Granted he was trying to avoid the whole interview, which could easily set off warning lights. Though we should be forgiving since he has apologized to Katie Couric... but not to the Sports Illustrated reporter who tried to contact him face-to-face when the test result was leaked.

Someday I hope we can go back to when guys just played the game the way it was supposed to... hungover, right Mickey?

ETC: I never would have imagined Katie Couric would have appeared on this site. Shouldn't she be in a Brooks Brother catalog with that new haircut?

Manny to Dodgers: "SHOW ME THE MONEY!"

Looking in the world of baseball contract negotiations, Manny Ramirez is still team-less. In a related story, the Dodgers are not wit-less. Scott Boras feels that he knows more than anyone and he will get what he wants!

If this negotiation were like a hostage negotiation the person being held would be dead along with the hostage negotiatior and maybe a squirrel, named Jimmy. I know it's a tragedy when the squirrel was hit by the cop car, but he will always be remembered by his playful and curious nature. He leaves behind a family that will honor his spirit and love for life. This is how I really feel about it.

Look, during the playoffs the Dodgers knew, the baseball community knew and so did everyone standing near the TV knew, players were not coming back for 2009. The Dodgers had a lot of fat to trim and they did. Jeff Kent was not going to resign. Nomar was up for auction. Manny was surely expendible. Frank McCourt was working the numbers and why shouldn't he. He bought this team when they did spend on overpaid but little produced free agents and rookies. Nomo, Valdes, Hollandsworth, Ashley, Mondesi were taking roster spots and mainly salary.

Even in his statement McCourt sounds sarcastic about the threat of Ramirez leaving LA with big money and a big contract, “When his agent finds those ‘serious offers’ from other clubs, we’ll be happy to restart the negotiations.” He is calling your bluff Scott and he will win.

Manny did a great job boosting a Dodgers team that had the chance to take the pennant, but we all had a feeling it was temporary. His .396 average, 17 homers and 53 RBIs in the last two months of the season were huge pluses. However, Manny is going around demanding long term contracts from a team and a league unwilling to do so in this recession. Then he goes off bragging about getting an offer from the Yankees that never existed. As far as I'm concerned Scott Boras never talked to Cashman or the Evil Empire. He cried wolf and no one even bothered to check the sheep.

This is a first ballot Hall of Fame talent with a checkered personality, but his bat will still provided wins for any club. Though he needs to realize that it's not 2001 and he is not 28 anymore. He is in his thirties and needs to think about his bottom line. The Dodgers have no problem losing Manny. They got some kids in the farm system they showed off last year.

Now I want to take this time to talk directly to Manny:

"Manny, baby, I was a huge fan of you when you were with Kenny and Albert in the Cuyahoga. However I need you to wise up. Take the money. C'mon $25 Million is $24,085,000 more than I make in a year and I threw a no-hitter in Little League. TAKE THE MONEY!"

Batting fourth for the Dodgers is number 99, Rod Tidwell.

The Curious Case of Kurt Warner's Employment

Everyone is talking about Kurt Warner. He is this knight in shining armor to GM's. The funny thing is I don't know why.

Yes, he was the feel good story of the NFL and the Super Bowl. We all love the underdog; coming from Arena Football and your local grocery store, but we have to let that die.

The fact is Kurt Warner is not worth a lot of money. He not worth much. First off he is 38 years old this fall. That will not help you out, especially with the cap on most teams and a financial crisis hitting pro sports. Secondly he is not an overly successful QB. In all his pro career, he only has 5 winning seasons and only two of them featured more than 10 wins. Even then those years were in a dome and sunny Arizona. Though to counter when he traveled to the East Coast or heaven forbid a cold climate, he falls apart (see New England this year).

The time to act for Kurt Warner was like 7 years ago, when he was worth a damn. Now, I cannot see spending money on him, even if I am Minnesota. The economics and time are just not on his side. Granted he didn't win the big game, he should have walked away from football. Though he will never be a Hall of Famer (those stats are not impressive to the history of the game) he will be remembered in the same light as Rudy or Vince Papale.

OH NO HE DI'NT!

Interior (Sal's 401K Victor Bureau)

(Seth is typing on his computer, searching the Internet for Joe Namath pictures. He finds this photo and quickly opens up a browser and sends Sal Fasano the pic.)

Seth (With a worried look): Oh no, I hope he doesn't know.

(Pause)

(Phone Rings)

Seth (Picking up receiver): Hello?

Sal (through phone): What the F*CK!?! WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS!?!

Seth: Listen I found it on the Internet -

(Over the phone a huge crash is heard, its the sound of Sal throwing his computer out the window.)

Sal: WHO SAID HE COULD DO THAT!?! That's my 'Stache, nobody wears the FU-MANCHU, unless I, Salfonso Fasano APPROVES!

Seth: Sal, baby, it's not what it seems, he just grew it -

Sal: I DIDN'T APPROVE SH*T!!! I am going to cut that mother a new one! Then I'm going to eat his children!

Seth: Sal, you can't go back to jail again!

(Dial Tone)

Seth (turning to camera): Don't ever grow a Fu-Manchu with out his consent. (Points finger at camera.) GOT IT!

Sal Sez: You never grow it, unless I approve it. F*cking Joe Willie Namath!

Youth Sports Suck!

This morning on The John DiTullio Show, John had a legendary round table with local writers and sports anchors. The point of the visit was to talk about free agent picks for the Buffalo Bills. Somehow the conversation was sidetracked by callers complaining about their kids not getting enough coverage in town.

"Youth sports are not getting represented!"

"No one covers my kids games!"

"How come no one talks about youth hockey in Rochester!"

"GARBLE GARBLE GARBLE!"

Can I get a HAR-UMPH!

WHAM-TV sports anchor Mike Catalana neutralized the blaze of annoying calls by mentioning that local media only have enough time and resources to cover games. In fact due to our lack of top-tier major league team, we have a lot of high school and youth sports coverage.

Then like a wise sports writer he is, Scott Pitoniak laid out the wisdom. He pointed out that the problem lies in the parents. It could not have been spoken any better.

See the parents are the one's pushing for coverage. They push for the exclusives and the footage and the interviews. The athletes are out to play, especially in this market.

Let's be honest in Rochester, New York, there are very few, if any blue chip recruits who know the game of media and are playing it. That happens in LA, New York City or Chicago... not in market listed in the low 80's of over 180 markets.

The Roundtable of Flower City Journalism discussed the impact coaches have on young athletes and the parents damaging those coaches. Both writers of Sal's 401K have seen in our own lives.

I hate parents. I said it. I don't want to say it. At a high school level, especially in some communities, they use their kids athletic ability as currency to buy attention and admiration for their household. That kind of attitude cheapens kids and athletes out to play a simple game for fun. Sports are important to us... but they are not the end of the world.

Growing up, baseball was my sport. Basketball was okay, I could not play hockey, so nothing came close to baseball. My father loved baseball too and he was always supportive of things I participated in. Baseball was that great connector between my father and I where he would practice hours with me. He didn't do it out of hopes of getting a kid signed by a Major League team, but because I loved to play the game.

When I was in Little League, my team needed a coach. Parents noticed how my father always attended my games and was always there giving tips to kids on their mechanics (which they actually listened to). My father refused to be a head coach but rather an assistant coach. He did not want to deal with the responsibility of dealing with irate parents or playing politics. He coached because he loved me and the game.

I always remember what my dad did for my games. Playing at a private high school 45 minutes away from my home, my dad would drive an hour or more to catch my game. Then on the drive back we would talk. Not about what I did wrong and how I needed to make adjustments. No, never, it was always about what happened in the game and why did I do that. My father wanted to have me understand and strategize about the game, rather than tear down my playing. He knew that by high school, baseball was a sport I played in my spare time, to have fun.

When I was covering the Geneva Red Wings or covering the college teams, you see these kids who do love baseball. Though in reality they are working, its a job. Then they go out and play hard, pour their hearts into it. If they fail (something they cannot stand) they get a verbal lashing from parents. That's one thing I never saw or could imagine from my father.

It is clearly evident that I look up to my father. He taught me a lot of things; how to pitch, how to skate, change oil, roofing but most importantly how to be a real man and a real parent.

Sports are important... but they are not that important.

Solving the Hall of Fame Problem

Cooperstown, New York. The baseball Hall of Fame, the Mecca of the sport. The $27.5 Million dollar question: should steroid users be allowed past Saint Peter into baseball heaven.

Of course, St. Pete isn't a guy in a robe with a crown, he's a group of baseball writers who have no idea what to do about the Bondses, Clemenses and Palmieros of the world. Since I don't have a vote, I have some suggestions:

First, there are a few numbers (3000 hits, 200 wins, 500 home runs) that have, throughout history, guaranteed Hall of Fame bids, right? With the steroid era, Hall of Fame voters will just have to rethink the bar.

The new numbers should be 200, nine-and-three-eighths and three. A player should have less than 200 pounds of pure muscle, have a hat size under nine-and-three-eighths and shouldn't be able to pull any more than three airplanes with their teeth.

OK if not that, the Hall should consider building a new wing in Cooperstown. Maybe the one closest to a back alley and most shaped like a syringe.

Here's a blue print: As you walked in, there would be a statue of Bud Selig standing next to Big Mac and Sosa, all three with gleaming smiles and dollar-sign eyeballs. Behind glass and well lit are Barry Bonds before-and-after photos and before-and-after hats. The Hall won't be able to get a hold Bonds's 73rd or 756th home run balls because, well, upon landing, both baseballs exploded like water balloons. You see, cork and leather weaken when leaving and reentering the earth's atmosphere.

As you get to the plunger part of the syringe-shaped wing, Alex Rodriguez's note cards, Tic Tacs and a photo of him and Peter Gammons hugging. There next to it is the first base bag Palmerio stepped on after his 3000th hit. Well, whats left of it anyway.

Cooperstown can even hire Jose Canseco as a tour guide. Alright, maybe not. That should be Selig or Tom Hicks job, they'd know more.

Upon exiting the needle part of the steroid wing in Cooperstown, visitors will be able to enjoy the All-Anti-Steroid team. Some will, some won't get a statue in the actual Hall, but credit is due for out-performing the Supermen and doing it, as Bob Costas said, "all natural."

Catcher: Brad Ausmus - The only guy in the state of Texas who couldn't hit home runs. But you could always count on Ausmus to hold 'em at first, never allowing more than 10 passed balls or more than 50 stolen bases.

First Base: John Olerud - Wore the same size helmet in the field for 17 seasons. Olerud walked 259 more times than struck out and won three gold gloves.

Second Base: Craig Biggio - Holding my breath, crossing my fingers and knocking on wood here. It's hard to argue with over 3,000 hits, 414 stolen bases and eight seasons over 100 runs though.

Third Base: Scott Rolen - Had a swing and glove straight out of Hornsby's days. He hit between 21 and 34 home runs for nine straight seasons. Rolen also won seven gold gloves.

Shortstop: Omar Vizquel - I'm guessing the juice doesn't help with sacrifice bunts. Vizquel is the active leader with 239. In 2000, he made just three errors in 156 games.

Rightfield: Ichiro Suzuki - All-time single-season hits leader. Rookie of the Year. Most Valuable Player. Eight straight gold gloves and All-Star appearances. Five-foot-nine-inches, 160 pounds, enough said.


Centerfield: Kenny Lofton - The ultimate leadoff hitter. He is the active leader in stolen bases, including 75 in 1996. Lofton has four gold gloves, seven All-Star games and a .299 career batting average....and somehow, with 130 home runs, his name never appeared in a Canseco publication.

Leftfield: Garrett Anderson - Played over 100 games every season of his career. Had career highs of 201 hits, 56 doubles, 123 runs batted in and only struck out over 100 times once. If you want to be paranoid, Anderson had one season over 30 home runs....hopefully the ball was just hanging up in the smog that year.


Starting pitcher: Gred Maddux - It isn't easy to win four straight Cy Young awards throwing 85 miles per hour and looking more like a calculus professor than a pitcher, but Maddux did it.


Reliver: Mariano Rivera - A few blips (2001 World Series and 2004 ALCS) but he'll likely go down as the best closer ever, despite often being blown down by brisk winds.


Honorable mention: Bernie Williams, Placido Polanco, David Cone, Trevor Hoffman, David Eckstein, every backup catcher, pinch runner and knuckle-baller pitcher ever, Juan Pierre and Jamie Moyer.

The Anti-Steroid team will be there to remind us why we still watch. Because David Eckstein won World Series MVP, because Ichiro gunned Terrance Long at third and because no matter what steroid you use, Maddux's change was still unhittable.

The steroid wing will allow roiders to still be in the Hall of Fame so as not to be forgotten. It will give finality and closure for those of us who will always feel betrayed Major League Baseball.

Barkley's Apology

It's cheap entertainment. The never-ending supply of squirming superstars under the white hot light of scandal. Who hasn't chuckled at a millionaire athlete choking on arranged tears saying, "mistakes were made, I'm giving my life to God now."

In the downplay and dishonesty category, Mike Vick went with God. Alex Rodriguez and Michael Phelps played the, "I was young and stupid," card. Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds tried the "nuh uhh" approach.

But in the case of former Philadelphia 76ers and Phoenix Suns All-Star power forward Charles Barkley, something was different.

Barkley was arrested December 31, 2008, for driving under the influence. When Barkley was arrested, he was with a woman who was not his wife. He told the arresting officer he ran a stop sign because he was in a hurry to receive oral sex from the woman.

Barkley returned from leave last Thursday night to his anaylist position on TNT's "Inside the NBA." Former NBA players such as Karl Malone, Chris Webber and Gary Peyton unsuccessfully filled in during the absence.

Before Barkley spoke, I couldn't help but expect the usual. I expected 33 minutes of prepared lies sprinkled with insincerity and hidden smirks. I expected anything from a Spitzer subterfuge to a Palmiero point.

But Barkley looked into the camera and said, "I embarrassed everybody in my life. I'm sorry."

No, "I'm sorry, but...." No note cards. No false tears.

I kept waiting for a bus load of excuses to arrive. You know the, "I didn't go to college," or, "I didn't know what I was putting in my body," type we've heard lately. But the bus never pulled in.

Barkley continued to speak, seemingly unrehearsed, and never once sounded as if he was blaming anyone but number one.

When host Ernie Johnson asked Barkley what he'd said to his daughter about the incident, Barkley gave an answer any shamed man would give. "I told her I really, really screwed up and that's all you can say. You can't make excuses, this was 100 percent my fault and it's unacceptable," he said.

I must give TNT credit for allowing Johnson to ask Barkley some tough, at-times awkward, questions. He asked about everything from Charles seeking professional help to what went through his mind as he saw the lights flashing.

The most amazing part: Johnsons concise interview included follow ups.

Maybe it's his natural charisma, the same that makes Sir Charles one of the most popular sports analysts, that makes him seem more believable than A-Rod or Phelps. But more than likely, its because he actually is sorry.

And that, is all we want.

We don't expect athletes to be saints when they grow up showered with praise, doused in money and put in sinful situations aplenty. But they must, upon miscue, understand that they are not beyond consequence. That their ability to hit home runs or catch touchdowns does not mean instant exoneration.

Barkley's apology may be the only one I can remember not thinking that he's only sorry because he got caught.

A-Rod did steroids and Johnny Damon thinks it could have been worse.

The world of Major League Baseball is in shambles, proclaim the general media, because Alex Reodriguez used steroids. Somehow we were all transported into the world of 2003, where people were shocked that professional baseball players used enhancing drugs.

With A-Rod being the "latest and greatest to fall" (Sports Illustrated), the media believes we need every member of the New York Yankees to chime in. Derek Jeter spoke, as if the voice of God was coming down from heaven giving his opinion. Jeter, being the team captain and not trying to make clubhouse conflict, stated that the team was there to support Alex. Then Captain Derek tried to turn the attention away the Yankees.

Last night, Johnny Damon provided one of the best, unintentional humor, interviews of all time. When asked about his feelings towards A-Rod, Damon took a pro-team, pro-A-Rod stance. He then explained that there were other, more serious things Rodriguez could have done. This allowed a female reporter (they always seem to play a great set-up woman - see A.I.'s "practice" interview) to follow up asking, what things would he consider worse. Damon, straight faced, responds, he could have murdered someone. Thank you everyone and good night.


However, I'm still pretty sure Ray Lewis killed that dude in Atlanta.

RE:WHat?

Listen.

On behalf of those guys who write about their love for the rugged and never emotional or physically soft Sal Fasano, it was not my suggestion to mention such movie as Love Actually. That really happened. Granted this same ex-girlfriend was very open to watching games all the time... granted her taste in teams was questionable at times.


Though I am a big enough man so... I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

Oh and Love Actually is not endorsed and will never be endorsed by this website. Though if your like Clockwork Orange, you better watch 2001, that is some pretty deep stuff.

Mike Milbury is mad as hell and he is not going to take it!

So during Sunday's game, Flyers-Rangers, NBC's Mike Milbury was more than upset with the Rangers playing in a crucial rivalry match-up. Granted this was during the first intermission when New York was trailing only 1-0. This was before the Flyers skated all over Lundi and the lackluster Rangers.

Milbury, back to the main point, was near the point where he would be saying four letter words. He felt ashamed that Rangers fans paid good money (which they did) during a poor economy (which we are in) and got to see a travesty of a team. It seemed that viewers were going to see Milbury from his coaching days; swearing at refs and tossing equipment on the ice.

Mad Mike was right, that team played so dull, no life, no emotion and the scoreboard proved that. Despite some effort and a few fights in the third period, there was no pride regained by the blue shirts. In fact I think that when some little kid was struck by a puck (the kid didn't cry!) he would have been more useful on the ice than Coltan Orr or any of their other goons.

This team feels familiar, you know, like those old late 90's Rangers squads that were financed with top dollar free agents but failed to even make the playoffs. Take into consideration about a half a dozen team don't make the playoffs each year, so it's not like the numbers are against them. Poor playing and lack of enthusiasm causes you to miss the playoffs.

WHat?

Please allow me to make a statement reguarding Sal's Keeper's post on Valentines Day:

I in no way advocate the dumb ass non-sense that flowed so seemingly easily out of him in light of the day. It is to be noted that Sal's Keeper knows about has much about relationships as I do about Cricket.

The urge must have struck him to be a complete pussy and suggest a garbage film. My girlfriend and I watched the Stanly Kubrik classic, "A Clockwork Orange," becuase all women are not interested in roses, puppies and chick flicks.

It is offensive that he used our beloved sports blog to discuss such issues and even suggest that games should be skipped to celebrate a made-up holiday.

I apologize to anyone who read his piece and became physically ill such as I did.

In the future, we - as a team - plan to keep our softer sides out of it and stick to the most important things in life like backup catchers such as Sal Fasano.

Why We Watch

It's official: The 2009 New York Yankees are the least likeable team in the history of professional sports.

This off-season, the Yankees signed C.C Sabathia, A.J. Burnett and Mark Texiera, three players who are probably more concerned with which kind of private jet to invest in rather than winning. With these shining additions, the team now has the personality of a ceiling fan and the heart and charisma of a shoe rack.Then of course, there is Alex Rodriguez.

The Yankees statement in light of Rodriguez's admittance to the use of steroids was classic. "Alex - like all of us - is not immune to fault," the Yankees statement said.

Hmm. OK, nobody is perfect, true. But when I think immune to fault, I think, oops I locked my keys in the car, darn. Oops, spilled coffee on white carpet, geez. Not, I spent thousands of dollars to purchase illegal steroids so I could hit a zillion home runs, betray millions of fans and make myself 27.5 million dollars a year.

Now players and coaches are, "rallying around him." My stomach just turned.Something about his mushy interview with ESPN's Peter Gammons must have made Yankees players forget that Alex is an ultra-arrogant, October-choking, cheating-numb-skull, who has always cared more about his own batting average more than where the Yankees fall in the standings.

I'd rally around Michael Phelps before Alex Rodriguez.

A column per day could be written on why to hate this year's Yankees, but rather than waste our time, it is more fitting that we talk about the most likable team in baseball history: the 1955 Brooklyn Dodgers.

Coming into 1955, the Brooklyn Dodgers had lost four of the last seven World Series', all to the New York Yankees. The mechanical Yankees owned the city, seeming to prove each season that they didn't need a black player or personality to win.

The '55 Dodgers’ had a mixture of stars such as Duke Snider and NL MVP Roy Campanella, with role players like 36-year old infielders Pee Wee Reese and Jackie Robinson. Their powerful pitching staff was led by the first black player to ever win 20 games, Don Newcombe and All-Star Johnny Podres. Newcombe also added a .359 batting average and seven home runs.

Brooklyn featured four black players (the most in the league at the time) who added a flare to the game that had never been seen across town.

They finished 13.5 games ahead of the Milwaukee Braves and won first place in the National League. In the American League, the New York Yankees held off the Cleveland Indians by three games to win the pennant.

In the World Series, the Dodgers fell behind 2-0. The series went back to Ebbets Field where the Dodgers found their bats, scoring eight runs two games in a row. They then took a pitchers duel 5-3 - won by Roger Craig - to move ahead 3-2.

Legendary Yankee pitcher Whitey Ford took game six. The home team won each of the first six games, for game 7, it would be back to Yankee Stadium. The Dodgers would have to go in front of 62,000 Yankee fans and take down the giant.

Game 7 stood for far more than just a win or loss for a franchise. It was the separation of two time eras. It was no mistake that this series fell five years after the 50s and five years before the 60s.

The Dodgers represented a pull toward individualism and progression. The Yankees, with their all-white, close cropped crew, pulled toward conservatism. It wasn't until 1956, nine years after the color barrier had been broken, that the Yankees took a team picture with a black player.

Johnny Podres shut out the Yankees in game 7 and Brooklyn finally celebrated its first World Series. Author Pete Hamill said “In Brooklyn that day, it was the Liberation of Paris, Vee Jay Day, New Years Day all rolled into one.”

The '55 Dodgers encompassed the beauty of baseball. It was, for six summer months, a team with skill, desire and personality who came together to create on-field poetry.

So every time you hear a crowd erupt for an A-Rod home run, keep in mind there was a wonderful time in baseball where the game meant more than steroids and salaries.

Valentine's Day: A Day of Love and A Day To Love

With today being Valentine's Day and I all I thought it would be a great idea to tell guys to be nice to their girlfriends and actually do something they want to do today. Listen, I understand there are games to be watched, you might have to miss them. Also, there might be some sports related thing you want to do, you might have to postpone it. You might want to watch Hoosiers today, you might have save that for tomorrow.

The thing is today was never designed for a guy in a relationship. Unless your married, you might get some leeway. So this is a sacrifice day. Some of the above problems can be solved if your girl loves sports. Though it obviously backfires if you love watching a Saturday hockey game, but she is not a hockey fan. I know I've been there before.

So guys let me make this simple. Skip the game today (DVR it or if you're retro throw in a VHS) and let her do whatever she wants for today. If she wants to watch Love Actually, suck it up and watch it. It wasn't that bad... well some scenes are. If she wants to go shopping, make sure you act interested, that will pick you up points. Remember this is crucial to building a relationship... and getting something in return at the end of the day.

Now let me direct this towards the ladies. While the guys are being nice to you and doing many of your commands, try to be supportive of the sports loving guy. Yes, you may think sports are stupid and accomplish nothing, but they rank pretty high with us. Second to only women, sports has been the backbone of our lives. We wear that same hat from 1996 or treat the reporting of pitchers and catchers as its own holiday, sports is a part of our lives. You have your things (chick flicks) and we have our things (Karl Malone picks). So go to a game and actually try to learn the game and a few players to make it easier on us. I know one of my last girlfriends wanted to learn something about hockey so I taught her a little.

So guys remember be kind to your woman and ladies give us a little gift on pitchers and catchers reporting... maybe a new hat of our favorite team.

Jamal Anderson is doing the dirty bird... and the white horse

This weekend Jamal Anderson, former Pro Bowler for the Atlanta Falcons was arrested for possession of cocaine and marijuana.

Last week a photo of Michael Phelps was leaked where he was at a college party taking a hit from a bong.

Saturday, reports were released that Alex Rodriguez failed a drug test, testing positive for steroids in 2003.

They say celebrity deaths happen in three's... I guess you can say athletes with drug problems happen in three's as well.

Let's break these down one at a time.

First off, Jamal... what the hell man!?! Sure, this isn't 1998 and not everyone knows or cares where you are... but both of those drugs are illegal! You volunteered and help kids and you go and do this stuff. Use your head!

Michael... I understand your still a young guy, a kid. Lots of people in their early 20's smoke pot. However, not all people in their early 20's win eight gold medals breaking a mark set by Mr. Spitz. You have a reputation as an American hero and you cannot do something that stupid when you have high regard in this country.

Finally, Alex.... you said that you took the steroids because you felt the huge pressure to succeed in Texas. The only way you were going to succeed in the Lone Star state was if you also pitched 2 of every five game. You should have been learning pitching mechanics from Tom House instead of shooting up illegal substances to get bigger muscles. Now, you're legacy and stats have been compromised.

Listening to the John DiTullio Show this morning with a bunch of Yankee fans still fawning, hoping there is some loop hole to get A-Rod out of his A-Fraud state, it got me to thinking. Well, it's more of me re-thinking a point I love to make.

As Americans, especially young boys, we grow up with this strong hero worship thing involving professional athletes. I'm not saying it's bad, because we all do it at one point. Though for people my age, we got to see what athletes are really like off the field. Courtesy of TMZ and ESPN, we have so much access to LeBron James and Alex Rodriguez. We knew LeBron was pulled over for speeding and Madonna dropped Guy for Alex.

I remember when I was a fan of young, rookie Allen Iverson... before the cornrows. I remember his Reebok commercials and the way it seemed like he was playing on a level I never saw a rook play. Then... he gets nailed for having weed on his person. I tried to defend him, I knew he probably did, but I still denied it.

Then it was Randy Moss. This guy was unreal. His game is so amazing, he can take a one yard wide out screen and turn it into a 75 yard touchdown. Then he is caught lighting up the Mary Jane and running down meter maids.

From then on I picked up from Thomas Boswell's philosophy on admiring athletes. He is quoted in Ken Burn's Baseball when they focused on drug users in 1980's baseball, that we have a thing with hero worship. For a certain number of years we looked up to ball players. Though we should not do that or look down on players either. We should look at them on the level and not place them higher than ourselves or members of our own family. Essentially the core of his argument is that we need to take these guys for who they are... human beings. We place them, the President of the United States and members of the clergy on such a high pedestal. Though we are all human and as the saying goes, err is to human.

The moral of the story is we should not trying to defend, hero worship athletes for when they fall. As members of the human race, they, much like us, are prone to do stupid things. Granted we don't mess up on national television and on the Internet. So let's cut them a little slack but not let them off the hook. That is how O.J. got off of murder.

Best Save of the Season

December 7, 2008. Between 800 and 1000 unenthusiastic fans mosey in to Blue Cross Arena, expecting the usual.

The Rochester Americans will play their 24th game of the season, three of which they've won. Until their docile mascot "Moose" skates out, you could be convinced it's a Section C high school game. The one to 10 ratio of people to dark blue seats makes the arena look like a planetarium backdrop.

As the Amerks starters take the ice, there is an unfamiliar face in net. Six-foot-three-inch goalie Mike Brodeur, in black pads and mask, takes his Darth Vador look between the pipes.

Amerks lose the opening face-off. Brodeur faces shots, penalties and too many defensive lapses to count, but stays strong. He collapses on the puck like a Venus Fly Trap. Twenty-eight shots against, 28 stops for Brodeur.

For the first time in a long time, Amerks fans, all 800, gave their goalie a standing ovation.

"A debut like that is huge," Brodeur said. "You feel the guys take a deep breath. It's a good way to get on the guys' side right away."

Two months later, turns out Brodeur's early December shutout was no fluke. He seemed to shut down every two-on-one, break away and 5-on-3 the Amerks defense gave up.

In his first 20 games in goal, he won 13 with a save percentage of .931 and goals against average of 2.16. He was named to the AHL All-Star team and was awarded a 1-year contract with the Amerks.

Pretty impressive for a guy who was let go by both the Chicago Blackhawks and New York Rangers' organizations.

Director of Player Personnel for the Amerks parent club the Florida Panthers Jack Birch said, "He has the potential to play at the next level."

As Mike hears Birch's quote, he gives a grin that slightly betrays his classical "who me?" goalie attitude. "It's been my goal since I was 5-years old," he said. "Now getting that chance is a good feeling."

After playing for nine minor league teams in five years and fighting through major back surgery, being signed to a 25-day professional tryout contract with 3-18-0-2 Rochester wasn't bleak, it was an opportunity. "I just wanted to go there and try to turn things around," he said.

Brodeur's success may have as much to do with positioning and rebound control as it does his personality. His eyes don't see turnovers and giveaways, they see the next chance to flash his glove and stick, then wait for the applause.

"I see it as my chance to stop the puck," he said. "You can't get frustrated with that stuff or you aren't going to be good in net."

Good in net, he is. In games Brodeur has not been the Amerks goalie, the team is 4-24 and has given up 112 goals.

When it comes to numbers though, it seems like Mike would rather talk about video games (NHL '09 of course) golf or his favorite Adam Sandler comedies, including "Happy Gilmour."

"Once per round, I do the 'Happy Gilmour' shot," he said laughing enthusiastically, "I've perfected it, 300 yards, right down the middle."

He also claims to shoot around 80 on 18 holes. If his scorecard is correct, Rochester may lose him to the PGA before the NHL.

But for right now, Rochester can't afford to lose him. His goaltending has been amnesia for those still feeling the sting of Rochester losing its long beloved affiliation with the Buffalo Sabers. The only thing to complain about now is finding a parking spot.

It is a joy to see the blue sea of seats colored in with fans wearing red and white. Rochester is a city where parents send their children to school in hockey gloves instead of mittens. Where skating is easier than breathing.

Brodeur may never understand his impact on Rochester and the Amerks franchise, but those who have watched him will never forget.

The Rochester Americans signed Mike Brodeur with nothing to lose. Brodeur signed because no one else would take the risk. One embodied the other in the need for redemption. Even though the they won't make the playoffs this season, Rochestarians can have their redemption and love the Amerks again.