Solving the Hall of Fame Problem

Cooperstown, New York. The baseball Hall of Fame, the Mecca of the sport. The $27.5 Million dollar question: should steroid users be allowed past Saint Peter into baseball heaven.

Of course, St. Pete isn't a guy in a robe with a crown, he's a group of baseball writers who have no idea what to do about the Bondses, Clemenses and Palmieros of the world. Since I don't have a vote, I have some suggestions:

First, there are a few numbers (3000 hits, 200 wins, 500 home runs) that have, throughout history, guaranteed Hall of Fame bids, right? With the steroid era, Hall of Fame voters will just have to rethink the bar.

The new numbers should be 200, nine-and-three-eighths and three. A player should have less than 200 pounds of pure muscle, have a hat size under nine-and-three-eighths and shouldn't be able to pull any more than three airplanes with their teeth.

OK if not that, the Hall should consider building a new wing in Cooperstown. Maybe the one closest to a back alley and most shaped like a syringe.

Here's a blue print: As you walked in, there would be a statue of Bud Selig standing next to Big Mac and Sosa, all three with gleaming smiles and dollar-sign eyeballs. Behind glass and well lit are Barry Bonds before-and-after photos and before-and-after hats. The Hall won't be able to get a hold Bonds's 73rd or 756th home run balls because, well, upon landing, both baseballs exploded like water balloons. You see, cork and leather weaken when leaving and reentering the earth's atmosphere.

As you get to the plunger part of the syringe-shaped wing, Alex Rodriguez's note cards, Tic Tacs and a photo of him and Peter Gammons hugging. There next to it is the first base bag Palmerio stepped on after his 3000th hit. Well, whats left of it anyway.

Cooperstown can even hire Jose Canseco as a tour guide. Alright, maybe not. That should be Selig or Tom Hicks job, they'd know more.

Upon exiting the needle part of the steroid wing in Cooperstown, visitors will be able to enjoy the All-Anti-Steroid team. Some will, some won't get a statue in the actual Hall, but credit is due for out-performing the Supermen and doing it, as Bob Costas said, "all natural."

Catcher: Brad Ausmus - The only guy in the state of Texas who couldn't hit home runs. But you could always count on Ausmus to hold 'em at first, never allowing more than 10 passed balls or more than 50 stolen bases.

First Base: John Olerud - Wore the same size helmet in the field for 17 seasons. Olerud walked 259 more times than struck out and won three gold gloves.

Second Base: Craig Biggio - Holding my breath, crossing my fingers and knocking on wood here. It's hard to argue with over 3,000 hits, 414 stolen bases and eight seasons over 100 runs though.

Third Base: Scott Rolen - Had a swing and glove straight out of Hornsby's days. He hit between 21 and 34 home runs for nine straight seasons. Rolen also won seven gold gloves.

Shortstop: Omar Vizquel - I'm guessing the juice doesn't help with sacrifice bunts. Vizquel is the active leader with 239. In 2000, he made just three errors in 156 games.

Rightfield: Ichiro Suzuki - All-time single-season hits leader. Rookie of the Year. Most Valuable Player. Eight straight gold gloves and All-Star appearances. Five-foot-nine-inches, 160 pounds, enough said.


Centerfield: Kenny Lofton - The ultimate leadoff hitter. He is the active leader in stolen bases, including 75 in 1996. Lofton has four gold gloves, seven All-Star games and a .299 career batting average....and somehow, with 130 home runs, his name never appeared in a Canseco publication.

Leftfield: Garrett Anderson - Played over 100 games every season of his career. Had career highs of 201 hits, 56 doubles, 123 runs batted in and only struck out over 100 times once. If you want to be paranoid, Anderson had one season over 30 home runs....hopefully the ball was just hanging up in the smog that year.


Starting pitcher: Gred Maddux - It isn't easy to win four straight Cy Young awards throwing 85 miles per hour and looking more like a calculus professor than a pitcher, but Maddux did it.


Reliver: Mariano Rivera - A few blips (2001 World Series and 2004 ALCS) but he'll likely go down as the best closer ever, despite often being blown down by brisk winds.


Honorable mention: Bernie Williams, Placido Polanco, David Cone, Trevor Hoffman, David Eckstein, every backup catcher, pinch runner and knuckle-baller pitcher ever, Juan Pierre and Jamie Moyer.

The Anti-Steroid team will be there to remind us why we still watch. Because David Eckstein won World Series MVP, because Ichiro gunned Terrance Long at third and because no matter what steroid you use, Maddux's change was still unhittable.

The steroid wing will allow roiders to still be in the Hall of Fame so as not to be forgotten. It will give finality and closure for those of us who will always feel betrayed Major League Baseball.