iPhone Apps We Really Need

The iPhone is taking the world by storm. You are not even close to cool unless you got an iPhone. Word on the street is that Osama Bin Laden has one along with Michael Jackson’s sterling silver casket. With peer pressure mounting and my intense hatred for my Nokia, I have looked into the iPhone. For the price of one I could buy a lot of Pabst Blue Ribbon, which is a conversation beer. Read this as I get a little buzzed and talk to girls and mention my no-hitter in little league.

With the iPhone it’s not that you can call people and text them, but find restaurants, baseball scores and highlights but also do a whole bunch of other shit, you never thought was imaginable on a cellular phone. The folks at Apple allow others to concoct half baked ideas for applications that for some reason Apple actually create! Paying two hundred bucks for a phone is a pretty steep price to me (I’m cheap, I’m a Pohorence!)

Though with anyone and everything getting an app, why don’t I think of some? I have actually and I think you might like them.

The Ultimate Question App: Throughout life, we sometimes question why things happen or whether or not happenings occur because of fate or luck. Heck, we sometimes question our existence. This app will let you ask your iPhone the ultimate question, for which the answer will always be 42. (Not to be used on Math exams)

What if we mated App: Much like the old Conan bit, this will come in handy for dates. For a guy like me, who tends to be in long term relationships, this will answer the question, “Will our kids look good?” Granted my genes are beautiful genes but this will allow me to see if there are any u-g-l-y (you ain’t got no alibi, you’re UGLY!) genes to help keep the human race looking good. Granted this app will be not needed in Sweden where every woman is amazing looking. Coming soon: what will she look like in ten years APP!

Hand Dryer App: I carry my phone everywhere. I don’t carry hand towels with me. When using a bathroom that has no towels or have those horrible hand dryers, the iPhone will light up to about 450 degrees and will warm your hands. Just hover them around the screen for 2 seconds and then touch the bottom button. Note: The screen will cause third degree burns.

CB Radio App: Be able to live all your mid 1970’s communication desires or relive your favorite scenes from Smokey & the Bandit! Looks like we got a convoy!

Razor App: This is two fold. For the man on the go and wants to save money, why spend money of razor blades when you can shave with your iPhone. Also for you clinically depressed, don’t spend hours and hundreds of dollars with psychologist when you can kill yourself. Remember don’t use the arm, go across the jugular.

X-Ray vision App: Using the camera function of the phone, hit the x-ray button and use it to look into locks, wrapped presents and co-workers blouses.

Major League Baseball Rule App: Sometime during an intense discussion of what the right call should be in a baseball game, it would be beneficial to have the official league rules. Now you can and this app allows you to access every rule in the Major League Baseball rule book. Oh and you cannot grab the runner going to third, that’s interference asshole!

The Reassurance App: This app will allow all insecure women to be validated on many issues they have in their tough lives. “Am I fat?” “Do these Jeans make me look fat?” “Does John love me?” “Do I Look Fat in this dress?” “How does my hair look?” “Does this wallpaper make me look fat?” “While I ever find love?” and of course the most important question, “Is Love Actually on TV?” Warning: any man who uses this is a sissy.

The Thermometer App: When you think you have a fever running, you can check with the iPhone. To use, pull down your drawers and insert, since it makes your phone a rectal thermometer. Just like those visits from the doctor during the Great Depression.

All of those ideas are definitely owned by Seth Pohorence INC. and Seth Pohorence Industries. Don’t be jealous you didn’t think of that before hand. Now if you will excuse me I’m gonna go to the Camaro dealership and use my App millions to buy some IROC-Z’s.