Best Year Ever!

(Cue Audio: "When you wish upon a star")
GFX: Roll tape of embarrassing Lions plays (fumbles, picks, miss tackles, Matt Millen)

The Detroit Lions, you have just lost your 16th game of the season. What are you going to do next?


All the Lions in unison: "We're getting the first overall pick!"

VO: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you too can have the first overall pick in the NFL Draft if you; blow every game of the season, fire coaches, trade away players with great potential and have Matt Millen as your GM for a few years before considering to do something about it. Then when you do get that first overall pick, might as well make it the traditional Lions pick, draft a wide receiver. Those wide outs have been great for them lately.

For the first time ever in NFL history, one team has managed to go win less in a season. All those early Tampa Bay teams can have their champagne and boast about how they were the best and how no one can touch them. They must have some Mercury Morris in that bunch who was a mediocre RB on a crappy team but mouths off like he won the Super Bowl single-handily. Then have a commercial with Reebok after the Lions lost, welcoming to the losers neighborhood.

This futility of the Lions, especially within the past few years have given Motown this appearance of the early Mets teams. When all else is wrong in the world, at least the Lions will lose.

The NFL talks about the parity of the league but since Matt Millen was at the helm of the Detroit office, the team has tanked. For goodness sake, since then the Saints went to the playoffs and even the Cardinals won the division, first time since they left the Midwest.

Of course the Lions have been suffering for years. How do you have a running back more explosive than LDT and put up better numbers than Emmitt Smith but fail to win more than one playoff game with him. That summed up the Barry Sanders years. No wonder he left football (well, that wasn't why, but you could reason with that)!

Detroit. I love to stand by Midwest teams, that the kind of guy I am. But you guys are f*cking it all up! Hell, even the Tigers went to a World Series. I thought the only way they could come back was if zombies sprouted from the earth in the year 9595 and Jack Morris pitched 21 consecutive scoreless innings and Hank Greenburg hit a 500 ft home run!

Detroit, here is the ultimatum. Do something or your fired! I heard L.A. needs a new team.

Sal Sez: "The strip joints in Motown are out of sight!"