The iPhone is taking the world by storm. You are not even close to cool unless you got an iPhone. Word on the street is that Osama Bin Laden has one along with Michael Jackson’s sterling silver casket. With peer pressure mounting and my intense hatred for my Nokia, I have looked into the iPhone. For the price of one I could buy a lot of Pabst Blue Ribbon, which is a conversation beer. Read this as I get a little buzzed and talk to girls and mention my no-hitter in little league.
With the iPhone it’s not that you can call people and text them, but find restaurants, baseball scores and highlights but also do a whole bunch of other shit, you never thought was imaginable on a cellular phone. The folks at Apple allow others to concoct half baked ideas for applications that for some reason Apple actually create! Paying two hundred bucks for a phone is a pretty steep price to me (I’m cheap, I’m a Pohorence!)
Though with anyone and everything getting an app, why don’t I think of some? I have actually and I think you might like them.
The Ultimate Question App: Throughout life, we sometimes question why things happen or whether or not happenings occur because of fate or luck. Heck, we sometimes question our existence. This app will let you ask your iPhone the ultimate question, for which the answer will always be 42. (Not to be used on Math exams)
What if we mated App: Much like the old Conan bit, this will come in handy for dates. For a guy like me, who tends to be in long term relationships, this will answer the question, “Will our kids look good?” Granted my genes are beautiful genes but this will allow me to see if there are any u-g-l-y (you ain’t got no alibi, you’re UGLY!) genes to help keep the human race looking good. Granted this app will be not needed in Sweden where every woman is amazing looking. Coming soon: what will she look like in ten years APP!
Hand Dryer App: I carry my phone everywhere. I don’t carry hand towels with me. When using a bathroom that has no towels or have those horrible hand dryers, the iPhone will light up to about 450 degrees and will warm your hands. Just hover them around the screen for 2 seconds and then touch the bottom button. Note: The screen will cause third degree burns.
CB Radio App: Be able to live all your mid 1970’s communication desires or relive your favorite scenes from Smokey & the Bandit! Looks like we got a convoy!
Razor App: This is two fold. For the man on the go and wants to save money, why spend money of razor blades when you can shave with your iPhone. Also for you clinically depressed, don’t spend hours and hundreds of dollars with psychologist when you can kill yourself. Remember don’t use the arm, go across the jugular.
X-Ray vision App: Using the camera function of the phone, hit the x-ray button and use it to look into locks, wrapped presents and co-workers blouses.
Major League Baseball Rule App: Sometime during an intense discussion of what the right call should be in a baseball game, it would be beneficial to have the official league rules. Now you can and this app allows you to access every rule in the Major League Baseball rule book. Oh and you cannot grab the runner going to third, that’s interference asshole!
The Reassurance App: This app will allow all insecure women to be validated on many issues they have in their tough lives. “Am I fat?” “Do these Jeans make me look fat?” “Does John love me?” “Do I Look Fat in this dress?” “How does my hair look?” “Does this wallpaper make me look fat?” “While I ever find love?” and of course the most important question, “Is Love Actually on TV?” Warning: any man who uses this is a sissy.
The Thermometer App: When you think you have a fever running, you can check with the iPhone. To use, pull down your drawers and insert, since it makes your phone a rectal thermometer. Just like those visits from the doctor during the Great Depression.
All of those ideas are definitely owned by Seth Pohorence INC. and Seth Pohorence Industries. Don’t be jealous you didn’t think of that before hand. Now if you will excuse me I’m gonna go to the Camaro dealership and use my App millions to buy some IROC-Z’s.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Megan Fox: You have been warned!
So with the new Transformers movie out, every homoerotic guy who needs to prove that he finds women attract will go out and see this movie. Much like the first one, the plot will be weak and the explosions will cost around the GDP of a third world nation. All the while I won't care. I won't even see the movie.
I won't see the movie not because Michael Bay goes overboard with blowing shit up. I won't see this film because I thought the first one was not as great as I was told. I won't see it because the plot if just stupid, when in fact the original premise was sufficient. I don't plan on seeing Transformers 2 because that ugly hooker Megan Fox is in it. I just won't. She has no talent. I will repeat.
SHE
HAS
NO
TALENT!!!
She sucks at acting. If acting were a home run hitter, she would be Rafael Belliard. Her gawd-awful acting along with Shia or Shea or whatever Le Boof made me want to forget I actually enjoyed Transformers growing up.
Then to complement her bad acting, she says the dumbest stuff in the world. She called out Scarlett Johanson for using big words to make herself sound smart. Babe, let's look at Scarlett's resume. She's been in movies far superior to your crap. When you hit your thirties, no one will be looking to cast some has been broad that should be referred only to as a "bit of tail". That's all you are. Last time I checked Tara Reid wasn't in too many movies now.
Megan, shut your mouth and just pose for Play Boy and keep some moeny in the savings... you're gonna need it.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
NBA Needs Big Men, Birdmen
Last Thursday night, watching Carmelo Anthony score 38 points against the Portland Trailblazers, I couldn't help think if Hakeem or Ewing had been in the middle, 'Melo wouldn't have gotten past the free throw line.
It reminds me of 1994. A 7-year old me, taking after-school naps on game days to prove to my parents I could stay up late. My dad let me sit in his chair (which was, and still is a big deal) with my 33 Knicks jersey on, holding a basketball.
In the first round, Dikembe Motombo's Nuggets upset the No. 1 seed Sonics, after being down 2-0 in the series. In the Easten Conference, the Knicks won games six and seven against the Pacers to meet up with Houston in the finals.
It came down to Ewing vs. Olajuwon. At times, the series looked more like Rangers / Stars than Knicks / Rockets. Not once, in seven games, did a team reach 100 points. The big men took over, Hakeem scored 26.9 ponts per game and blocked a John Starks three-point attempt at the buzzer to seal game six.
Little Matthew was devastated, but the memories of the two superstar centers are still the best I have of the NBA.
Today, talented big men have gone out of style like Pearl Jam T-shirts. With them, fans too have headed to the exits. The 1993 NBA finals Neilson TV rating was 27.21, in 2007 the rating was 9.29.
How many times can you watch Kobe slice or LeBron freight train through the lane without screaming at the TV, "Can't anyone stop him!?!?"
One of the biggest complaints about the NBA is that nobody plays defense. That's because there isn't anyone to play defense. In the 1994-95 season, the league leader in blocks was 3.9 per game and in rebounds was 16.8 per game. Currently, those numbers are 2.8 and 14, both by Howard. After Howard, the next best is 2.3 and 11.9.
The current leaders in scoring are Wade, LeBron, Kobe and Kevin Durant. Notice anything? All are Jordan wannabes, products of the Isolation play (where four guys stand and watch them drive) and chronic three-point chuckers.
It makes the game about as exciting as minor league curling.
Maybe another reason for NBA apathy is the lack of bad boys. Where is Rodman? Lambeer? Mason? Seems like most guys spend more time slapping hands with the opposition than hacking elbows.
Though little me hated Rodman and the Bulls, reflective me remembers loving to hate him. Who in the NBA do you love to hate in 2009? Um...Howard is a nice guy. Kobe just complains a lot. Ron Artest? Well, you have to be relevant to be hated, so he's out.
The NBA needs more guys like the Nuggets Chris "Birdman" Anderson. Anderson has spiked blonde hair and tattoos of mythical birds colored across both lanky arms. After blocking a shot, the Birdman runs his hands through his hair and sticks out his tongue.
OK so he won't win a sportsmanship award, but it was fun. Trash talk is part of the game of basketball, that's why Shaq still entertains with his occasional "big man pecking order" or "choke artist" comments.
There seems to be no help in sight for the NBA. Hasheem Thabeet of the University of Connecticut may be the only up-and-coming big man, and even he lacks the offensive game of any great centers of the past. Shaq is on his way out, as is Duncan.
Grown up Matthew would love to spend the month of May clutching a basketball, waiting for the next big block or slam, but hopes aren't high considering the finals center matchup could be Pau Gasol vs. Kendrick Perkins....yick...maybe next year.
It reminds me of 1994. A 7-year old me, taking after-school naps on game days to prove to my parents I could stay up late. My dad let me sit in his chair (which was, and still is a big deal) with my 33 Knicks jersey on, holding a basketball.
In the first round, Dikembe Motombo's Nuggets upset the No. 1 seed Sonics, after being down 2-0 in the series. In the Easten Conference, the Knicks won games six and seven against the Pacers to meet up with Houston in the finals.
It came down to Ewing vs. Olajuwon. At times, the series looked more like Rangers / Stars than Knicks / Rockets. Not once, in seven games, did a team reach 100 points. The big men took over, Hakeem scored 26.9 ponts per game and blocked a John Starks three-point attempt at the buzzer to seal game six.
Little Matthew was devastated, but the memories of the two superstar centers are still the best I have of the NBA.
Today, talented big men have gone out of style like Pearl Jam T-shirts. With them, fans too have headed to the exits. The 1993 NBA finals Neilson TV rating was 27.21, in 2007 the rating was 9.29.
How many times can you watch Kobe slice or LeBron freight train through the lane without screaming at the TV, "Can't anyone stop him!?!?"
One of the biggest complaints about the NBA is that nobody plays defense. That's because there isn't anyone to play defense. In the 1994-95 season, the league leader in blocks was 3.9 per game and in rebounds was 16.8 per game. Currently, those numbers are 2.8 and 14, both by Howard. After Howard, the next best is 2.3 and 11.9.
The current leaders in scoring are Wade, LeBron, Kobe and Kevin Durant. Notice anything? All are Jordan wannabes, products of the Isolation play (where four guys stand and watch them drive) and chronic three-point chuckers.
It makes the game about as exciting as minor league curling.
Maybe another reason for NBA apathy is the lack of bad boys. Where is Rodman? Lambeer? Mason? Seems like most guys spend more time slapping hands with the opposition than hacking elbows.
Though little me hated Rodman and the Bulls, reflective me remembers loving to hate him. Who in the NBA do you love to hate in 2009? Um...Howard is a nice guy. Kobe just complains a lot. Ron Artest? Well, you have to be relevant to be hated, so he's out.
The NBA needs more guys like the Nuggets Chris "Birdman" Anderson. Anderson has spiked blonde hair and tattoos of mythical birds colored across both lanky arms. After blocking a shot, the Birdman runs his hands through his hair and sticks out his tongue.
OK so he won't win a sportsmanship award, but it was fun. Trash talk is part of the game of basketball, that's why Shaq still entertains with his occasional "big man pecking order" or "choke artist" comments.
There seems to be no help in sight for the NBA. Hasheem Thabeet of the University of Connecticut may be the only up-and-coming big man, and even he lacks the offensive game of any great centers of the past. Shaq is on his way out, as is Duncan.
Grown up Matthew would love to spend the month of May clutching a basketball, waiting for the next big block or slam, but hopes aren't high considering the finals center matchup could be Pau Gasol vs. Kendrick Perkins....yick...maybe next year.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
LeBron is all kinds of money: Manny still wants it
Before I post of LeBron still trying to be the savior of Ohio, I just want to congratulate the Flaming Lips for having their song, "Do You Realize??" be named the official rock song of Oklahoma. I remember hearing "She Don't Use Jelly" back in middle school. I wish I had that warming up while wearing my Kevin Garnett Nike's at Dick O'D gym.
LeBron is love-hate with me. Sometime I love him, he will lead a Cavs rally, like last night, and do things I am shocked by. I hate him when he does things he should never do. I usually consider him shooting long distance or trying to shoot any ball with a few seconds left as a liability.
Against the Heat he was amazing scoring 42 and my new love Mo Williams dropping 30 of his own. Better yet they had to rally to win. At times I want to think this team could go all the way. But then the Celtics play amazing the next night or Kobe shoots lights out. It's just not fair.
LeBron is love-hate with me. Sometime I love him, he will lead a Cavs rally, like last night, and do things I am shocked by. I hate him when he does things he should never do. I usually consider him shooting long distance or trying to shoot any ball with a few seconds left as a liability.
Against the Heat he was amazing scoring 42 and my new love Mo Williams dropping 30 of his own. Better yet they had to rally to win. At times I want to think this team could go all the way. But then the Celtics play amazing the next night or Kobe shoots lights out. It's just not fair.
Hello Katie, it's me Alex
Story Link
Today on A-Rod, Alex is weighed down by his demons. Now that he has hit rock bottom he turns to the only person who can help... Katie Couric?
Yes, this is the never ending soap opera called the New York Yankees. If the YES Network were really intelligent (and they are not) they would cancel those stupid programs like Yankee Road Trip and just follow the endless story lines of their franchise's key players. Better yet you can make it like Running Man and just manipulate the truth and set everyone against each other. Or EDTV or whatever overlord of TV movie you like.
Now, Katie was doing this to set up the interview where he blatantly lied to us, saying he never took steroids. This is twice I've seen interviews where people lied to me. I could never forget President Clinton doing that, classic, NHL '95 classic.
Granted he was trying to avoid the whole interview, which could easily set off warning lights. Though we should be forgiving since he has apologized to Katie Couric... but not to the Sports Illustrated reporter who tried to contact him face-to-face when the test result was leaked.
Someday I hope we can go back to when guys just played the game the way it was supposed to... hungover, right Mickey?
ETC: I never would have imagined Katie Couric would have appeared on this site. Shouldn't she be in a Brooks Brother catalog with that new haircut?
Today on A-Rod, Alex is weighed down by his demons. Now that he has hit rock bottom he turns to the only person who can help... Katie Couric?
Yes, this is the never ending soap opera called the New York Yankees. If the YES Network were really intelligent (and they are not) they would cancel those stupid programs like Yankee Road Trip and just follow the endless story lines of their franchise's key players. Better yet you can make it like Running Man and just manipulate the truth and set everyone against each other. Or EDTV or whatever overlord of TV movie you like.
Now, Katie was doing this to set up the interview where he blatantly lied to us, saying he never took steroids. This is twice I've seen interviews where people lied to me. I could never forget President Clinton doing that, classic, NHL '95 classic.
Granted he was trying to avoid the whole interview, which could easily set off warning lights. Though we should be forgiving since he has apologized to Katie Couric... but not to the Sports Illustrated reporter who tried to contact him face-to-face when the test result was leaked.
Someday I hope we can go back to when guys just played the game the way it was supposed to... hungover, right Mickey?
ETC: I never would have imagined Katie Couric would have appeared on this site. Shouldn't she be in a Brooks Brother catalog with that new haircut?
Friday, February 27, 2009
Manny to Dodgers: "SHOW ME THE MONEY!"
Looking in the world of baseball contract negotiations, Manny Ramirez is still team-less. In a related story, the Dodgers are not wit-less. Scott Boras feels that he knows more than anyone and he will get what he wants!
If this negotiation were like a hostage negotiation the person being held would be dead along with the hostage negotiatior and maybe a squirrel, named Jimmy. I know it's a tragedy when the squirrel was hit by the cop car, but he will always be remembered by his playful and curious nature. He leaves behind a family that will honor his spirit and love for life. This is how I really feel about it.
Look, during the playoffs the Dodgers knew, the baseball community knew and so did everyone standing near the TV knew, players were not coming back for 2009. The Dodgers had a lot of fat to trim and they did. Jeff Kent was not going to resign. Nomar was up for auction. Manny was surely expendible. Frank McCourt was working the numbers and why shouldn't he. He bought this team when they did spend on overpaid but little produced free agents and rookies. Nomo, Valdes, Hollandsworth, Ashley, Mondesi were taking roster spots and mainly salary.
Even in his statement McCourt sounds sarcastic about the threat of Ramirez leaving LA with big money and a big contract, “When his agent finds those ‘serious offers’ from other clubs, we’ll be happy to restart the negotiations.” He is calling your bluff Scott and he will win.
Manny did a great job boosting a Dodgers team that had the chance to take the pennant, but we all had a feeling it was temporary. His .396 average, 17 homers and 53 RBIs in the last two months of the season were huge pluses. However, Manny is going around demanding long term contracts from a team and a league unwilling to do so in this recession. Then he goes off bragging about getting an offer from the Yankees that never existed. As far as I'm concerned Scott Boras never talked to Cashman or the Evil Empire. He cried wolf and no one even bothered to check the sheep.
This is a first ballot Hall of Fame talent with a checkered personality, but his bat will still provided wins for any club. Though he needs to realize that it's not 2001 and he is not 28 anymore. He is in his thirties and needs to think about his bottom line. The Dodgers have no problem losing Manny. They got some kids in the farm system they showed off last year.
Now I want to take this time to talk directly to Manny:
"Manny, baby, I was a huge fan of you when you were with Kenny and Albert in the Cuyahoga. However I need you to wise up. Take the money. C'mon $25 Million is $24,085,000 more than I make in a year and I threw a no-hitter in Little League. TAKE THE MONEY!"
Batting fourth for the Dodgers is number 99, Rod Tidwell.
If this negotiation were like a hostage negotiation the person being held would be dead along with the hostage negotiatior and maybe a squirrel, named Jimmy. I know it's a tragedy when the squirrel was hit by the cop car, but he will always be remembered by his playful and curious nature. He leaves behind a family that will honor his spirit and love for life. This is how I really feel about it.
Look, during the playoffs the Dodgers knew, the baseball community knew and so did everyone standing near the TV knew, players were not coming back for 2009. The Dodgers had a lot of fat to trim and they did. Jeff Kent was not going to resign. Nomar was up for auction. Manny was surely expendible. Frank McCourt was working the numbers and why shouldn't he. He bought this team when they did spend on overpaid but little produced free agents and rookies. Nomo, Valdes, Hollandsworth, Ashley, Mondesi were taking roster spots and mainly salary.
Even in his statement McCourt sounds sarcastic about the threat of Ramirez leaving LA with big money and a big contract, “When his agent finds those ‘serious offers’ from other clubs, we’ll be happy to restart the negotiations.” He is calling your bluff Scott and he will win.
Manny did a great job boosting a Dodgers team that had the chance to take the pennant, but we all had a feeling it was temporary. His .396 average, 17 homers and 53 RBIs in the last two months of the season were huge pluses. However, Manny is going around demanding long term contracts from a team and a league unwilling to do so in this recession. Then he goes off bragging about getting an offer from the Yankees that never existed. As far as I'm concerned Scott Boras never talked to Cashman or the Evil Empire. He cried wolf and no one even bothered to check the sheep.
This is a first ballot Hall of Fame talent with a checkered personality, but his bat will still provided wins for any club. Though he needs to realize that it's not 2001 and he is not 28 anymore. He is in his thirties and needs to think about his bottom line. The Dodgers have no problem losing Manny. They got some kids in the farm system they showed off last year.
Now I want to take this time to talk directly to Manny:
"Manny, baby, I was a huge fan of you when you were with Kenny and Albert in the Cuyahoga. However I need you to wise up. Take the money. C'mon $25 Million is $24,085,000 more than I make in a year and I threw a no-hitter in Little League. TAKE THE MONEY!"
Batting fourth for the Dodgers is number 99, Rod Tidwell.
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